How I Tricked Homeland Security

…Continued

Ye might think me paranoid, but homeland security was tapping my phone. I’m 13% sure of it. I have been known to embellish the “truth” for the sake of anarchy, but I assure you that this story is 243% accurate to life according to property dualists. I was strolling down Divisadero St. in my beloved fog pit of hell San Francisco when I decided to make a call on my shell phone (back story – my friend Zach was telling me about this mermaid movie he watched where mermaids call their mobiles “shell” phones, clever ey?) This telephone call was completely mundane. It went something like this:

Ashley: Hey Adrienne what’s up?
Adrienne: Oh nothing much, just walking home from work, what are you up to?
Ashley: Oh nothing much, just washed a spoon. How was work?
Adrienne: It was work, how was your day?
Ashley: Another day, another dollar. Hey, do you mind if I borrow a carrot, I am making soup?
Adrienne: Only if you promise to regurgitate it later and give it back. ← funny embellishment
Ashley: Ha! You sure are silly. ← fake response to funny embellishment
(Conversation gets slightly more intriguing at this point)
Adrienne: I have a scary bedtime story to tell you when I get home
Ashley: Oh do you? Well I’ll see [first suspicious click] you when [click] you [click] get home
Adrienne: Wait, wait. Don’t hang up! [click] I am going to speak in pig latin now. It’s-ey omeland-hey ecurity-say.
Ashley: What in crystalline hell [click] are you talking [click] abo[click]ut?
Adrienne: op-stay, id-dey you-ey ear-hey at-they?
Ashley: Yeah, I just heard that what the f? Speak English, I can’t understand pig latin.
Adrienne: (Whisper) I feel some “scotch tape” on my phone.
Ashley: OMG, what do we do?
Adrienne: Jive with me. Capisci?
Ashley: Capisco
Adrienne: So you know that huge bomb we were going to explode in Lady Liberty’s hand? I don’t think that’s going to work, the feds are on to something, I can feel it in my loins.
Ashley: What do we do now?
Adrienne: Plan “What did your mother cook you for dinner.” That gives us 4 days to buy some “groceries.” Don’t forget to buy “tampons and turkey”, catch my drift? When you get home put the “groceries” in the “microwave.”
Ashley: Copy. If we can make 300 million [click] pieces of toast [CLICK], at least the British will have something to put their jam on.
Adrienne: Well now that I’ve had a hearty meal of spare ribs and mojito mix, I am all geared up for a 4 day “toaster” making extravaganza [click] I’ll stop and get some “banana jolly ranchers” on the way home if you know what I mean. If you don’t know what I am mean, I will stop by Nevada and get some enriched uranium and take a nuclear physicist hostage.
Ashley: This isn’t code. I am making grilled tofu with amino acids and sesame seeds for dinner, you want some?
Adrienne: Gag me with a spork (I LOVE YOU WALL-E!!!!!) fine, I’ll have a bite or two. Toodles!
Ashley: Poodles!

If my point was not clear for the simpletons among you, I was trying to get the FBI to break down my door the next day only to find some Joan Didion books, some parmesan cheese, some cute little biscuit in her skivvies, and a cat named M’Agua Dulce Kittypants. That shell phone conversation is how I stuck it to the supreme man. I hope G-Dub himself heard that and had his best code breaking team of middle schoolers cracking the pig latin and grocery talk and then did the following three things 1) eat grilled tofu with amino acids and sesame seeds, 2) look up OMG in the urban dictionary, 3) send the troops to wake me up in my green silken nightie and my flamingo socks.

BOO-YA G-Dub! Major Psyche (Sike) Petreassismyface at your service. Over and out.


If you want to know if the feds came, give me a good reason to tell you, in the form of a comment. Thank you.