#1 I bet you were all wondering how my ass looks these days, so I wanted to report back that it's almost perfect. Steely Dan and Donovan took the backseat last week though, and I have been listening to Roberta Flack and Willie Nelson Christmas songs instead. My faces also changed from coy to to environmentally friendly.
#2 This is my last week as a genius waitress. For those of you who thought I was going to really stick it to the man and relinquish hopes of financial and intellectual advancement, sorry to disappoint. I am going into the incredibly lucrative field of teaching high school. I'm a sellout I know. You get one free shot to call me a conformist.
#3 I started intentionally eating black watermelon seeds at my best friend Mallory's house last night. But more excitingly, I started eating shrimp tails and shrimp skin. Honestly it's the best part of a shrimp. All crunch, no bullshit.
#4 I burned my draft card.
#5 I bought socks with flamingos on them and then flushed them down the toilet.
Sike!
They were socks with giraffes on them.
Sike!
I actually hid them in my roommates bowl of salad and then watched her eat them. But I found out later that she has Pica, so it ended up not being that sneaky of me because she would have eaten socks anyway.
Sike!
I just bought socks with flamingos on them.
#6 Tonight I thought homeland security was wiretapping my phone call because I heard a suspicious clicking sound. So you wanna know what I did...
...to be continued
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