THE REAL MASTER CLEANSE

I was taking a shower because I really like being clean and I was looking at the drain and St. Catherine smote me with a stroke of genius. With all of the toxicity in the air and in the water and in our bodies, she said to me in a faint whisper, “Ssssssswilllllllering Twindle Daaaaaawwg. Don’t forget to wash your pits and your tits. Also you should think about cleansing yourself of the toxins that are festering in your body. You eat too many bad wittles, too much fried chicken and rare steak and French fries fried in duck fat and macaroni and cheese and cholesterol bunnies and lard pies and gooey cuy and marshmallows and lighter fluid soup and tornado hair. What you need is the fo shizzle, fo sho, fo REAL MASTER CLEANSE.”

You know, to be honest I have been feeling like my equilibrium is not so equal. I just feel out of whack if you know what I mean. My chakras are definitely out of line. I am not grounded. Gravity is pulling at me from two directions. I can’t tell my ass from my elbow. It’s the toxins; I know it. They are the culprit.

Contrary to popular belief I can see toxins. Other people can feel them only. Well I see the little buggers. They are a mix between sound frequencies and color waves. A body emits them in a red wave that hums at 2 decibels. They are ugly and perverse. They furiously hump your innards and outards, so I can certainly understand the new wave obsession with getting rid of them.

Some not so wise people get rid of them in the following ways: with cayenne pepper, lemon juice, and maple syrup cocktails, others go on prolonged 32 day not Ramadan fasts and others only eat copious amounts of red apples for 10 days. Others sit in eucalyptus steam rooms and the bravest among them get intestinal irrigation a.k.a. colonics. Some even let little wobbly Chinese men put hot cups on their back a.k.a. perfectly circular hickies.

For those of you that have tried all of these various cleansing techniques and still feel your body infested with toxins, have I got the MASTER CLEANSE for you. On the summer solstice it works best, but full moons are acceptable too. What you do is shut of your electricity and light some old fashion soy candles on your back porch. Have a large bucket and bed pan close by. Go to the cabinet under your kitchen sink and grab her. Hold her gently and close to your bosom and walk outside. Salute the moon and Hail June, and twist off the cap. Press play on your boom box and let Robert Johnson croon to the moon and Hail June.

The time has come for MASTER CLEANSE ala Swillering Twindle Dawg. Hold your bottle of Drano to the summer moon and say the mantra, “Om Nama Shivaya.” Then chug your bottle of Drano and your pipes will get a thoroughly spiritual and physical cleaning that you have never known. This my dear friends is the REAL MASTER CLEANSE, and I promise if you do it, you will feel like a million bucks until the next summer solstice.

You probably haven’t heard of this most simply because of capitalistic greed. It would mean that the homeopathic business would fold in t minus 2 days. I’m hear to tell you that homeopathic and eastern style medicine for toxin removal is nothing other than the robber barons trying to swindle you once again.

Down with capitalism! Drink Drano!