Mixed-up letter with many kinds of English

For this next blog I am going to prove to you that I am able to successfully use Old English, Middle English, Irish English, Pirate English, Standard American English, Southern English and Fake English all in one letter. Whoever made strict demarcation lines between various versions of English is about to be bitterly offended by my flagrant disregard of language rules. I warn you reader (especially if you are a cousin or uncle or old high school pal or teacher colleague or just about anyone I know besides my sister) that should you proceed to read the following lines you might think me loony. I apologize sincerely if I shatter any vision that you might have had of me. Without further ado I present to you a letter that I wrote to some Countrymen and Courtesans right after I got home from South America 18 months ago.

Dearest Countrymen and Courtesans,

I hath summoned ye to say me travels abroad are doth over. Ye hath had patience with me “gold fever” and you wert correct all along; greed does drive the heart astray, specially when the Keskeysees are following me path (for those of you ignoramuses who don’t know what a Keskeysee is, it is a derogatory word for a French gold miner). I did not find what I sought, but I found what I found. Forsooth! I done tasted adventure so spicy on the tip of me tongue that me face went flush in a surge. I found blindin’ light in darkness as nocturnal creatures bellowed sweet songs and a dancin’ cactus breathed pink into me veins in a sweven. Sikerly I took a vow of gluttony though I am proud to say I did not stoop to the level of brothels. I consumed one after another after another of magical meat pies and drank copious amounts of cherimoya/orange juice. Whole days were devoted to the consumption of this betrothed pair of scrumptious wittles and divine libations. I done danced with the devil, green scarf in me hair while sipping a warm beer and salutin’ the sun in the middle of a barren desert enclosed by volcanoes with condors flyin’ above scourin’ the earth. A cleansing and mystical elixir from the mountains of Ecuador haveth warmed me innards, irrigating the toxins of me belly. A strapping alpha male hath taken to me upon the deck of a ship in the middle of the ocean, frigate birds flying aside whilst blue footed boobies nested upon their eggs. The crispy air of the high Andes haseth licked the water from me hands and face like a thirsty cat, leaving me flesh a brittle paper, cracking and bloodied. Shiver me timbers no good scallywag! And since whence, thine eyes are resting upon this here page and thee might be imagining me lascivious and bedraggled face. The tip of me nose is as cold as a witch’s titty and me right hand is about to snap off.

So moote I thee O day of yore! Follow me path and float ashore.

Most kind and sincere regards,

Captain Crazy Pants