Exercising With Defiance

If you are looking for a real life example of exercising with defiance, I can relay to you some of my own personal experience with such behavior. But before I begin I have to preface my ideas with a tall tale of a wandering troubadour named The Swillering Twindle Dawg. She was what Tom Robbins calls a “genius waitress” at a diner with perfectly seasoned fried chicken and perpetually old hard-boiled eggs. Her philosophy was to keep diners on their toes, so she only ran with food and filled their lemonade with rocks. It is related, O happy King, that Swillering Twindle Dawg had mischevious ideas in her head and would often cast a hex on ungrateful customers. The mark of her hex was a verse written in the corner of her eye that said, “Hear ye comrades near and far/My heart is unchained in the cookie jar/Don’t speak grievances lest you fall/Your ship is sinking deep in Kezar.” Upon uttering these words with her gaze, the hexed customer would start to swoon and he or she would turn into a billy goat for 17 days. These 17 days were named, “The 17 Days of The Swillering Twindle Dawg.” You might be wondering what all of this has to do with defiant exercise. To be honest it has little to do with it except that The Swillering Twindle Dawg is none other than myself and I am reading Arabian Nights right now and this tale is a not so subtle homage to the tales of Sharhazad and I think about the plight of three dervishes when I exercise. But I digress.

Now that you have a context for my week, you are ready to hear about my Sunday morning exercise. Last night before I went to bed I wrote a “Sunday To Do-ody List” with the following activites: 1. Pay Parking Ticket, 2. Write defiant blog, 3. Pray to Laksme, 4. Do ass of steel exercise, 5. Watch Lakers game. I have recently decided that my ass needs to be a little firmer so that when I put on my bikini this summer I will look extremely good. But I am not willing to compromise my integrity and put on spandex and join a gym. Nor am I willing to sell my soul to the devil in return for a perfect ass. That means I have to get the perfect ass Swillering Twindle Dawg style. I tell you this personal information so that you too may get a perfect ass while screwing the man at the same time. Woah, that sounded incredibly homoerotic, but you know what I mean.

My roommate shared some secret buns exercises with me, so every day for 15 minutes this is what I do. I put on my Steely Dan album “Gaucho” or my Donovan album “Wear Your Love Like Heaven.” I slowly turn the music up very loud and I look at myself in the mirror. I make coy faces (the best ones come during the song “Babylon Sisters” when Steely Dan sings “You’ve got to shake it baby, you’ve got to shake it, you’ve got to shake it baby, you’ve got to shake it…” and those sexy horns are just crooning the definition of swanky) and imagine myself on a remote beach somewhere with a steamy man who is admiring my absolutely flawless ass. Then in my sear sucker pants, I get on all fours on my Persian rug and lift each leg so it looks like I am a dawg taking a piss. If you’ve ever taken an exercise class, you are familiar with this exercise and I know you love it. If you do it listening to Steely Dan or Donovan while making coy faces in the mirror, I promise you will love it more. You will also be doing your part to deconstruct booooring ways of exercising.