I love fire ladders

Now that the sole purpose of my life is dedicated to usurping the thrown of the man, I see undercover combatants of subversion all around me. Por ejemplo my mom gave me a fire ladder that you are supposed to throw out of windows when there is a fire blocking your door. Little did she know that she was just encouraging me to question the oppressive purpose of doors. I’ll tell you what, doors can lick my ass. They are just there as another way of coercing you to accept bogus cultural norms. Last Sunday I was eating steel cut oatmeal and reading about gallerinas not ballerinas and I started to think a lot about doors. The more I thought about them the more mad I got. I spit my oatmeal into the New York Times and went for a walk to clear my mind. On this walk I stomped my feet and flailed my arms. I pulled leaves off of trees, I ripped them in half and I smelled them. I punched a thorny rose bush and at one point I just went ahead and walked backwards. When I got home from this incredibly rebellious walk I stood before my front door and I mooned it. I walked to the side of the house and broke my bedroom window and climbed in. My roommate wanted to know what in fucking hell was I doing keys in hand breaking into the house. I looked her in the eyes and grunted, “Fuck doors.” I am no hypocrite (or a ninny), so if I make a life decision I am going to follow through all the way. Thus I leave my car windows open all of the time even when it hails. That way I can always climb right in. I’m hecka sneaky huh? I also carry my fire ladder in my very beautiful diamond studded tote bag made from freshly harvested blood diamonds. You might be wondering what I do when I go on dates because men they always like to open doors if their daddy’s taught them right. You also might be thinking that people wouldn’t want to go out with some broad who renounced doors. Lucky for me I don’t date people because for the most part they are idiots, so I haven’t yet encountered that problem. However a psychic told me that I was going to meet the man I was going to marry when I was 25, so I’d better start thinking of ways to skirt the issue because I turn 25 in 9 days! I suppose I can always say that I will meet people in wide-open places that are walking distance from my house. Anyways whoever wants to marry me will love me just the way I am. If I find that life in the city becomes too hard, I will move to a hot place in the third world where they don’t have air-condition. Then they will want their windows open all of the time. And they probably can’t afford doors anyways.